


you stand here alive

by zerosway (ryuuzakii)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23014957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryuuzakii/pseuds/zerosway
Summary: He's left to consider the futility of life.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Iwaizumi Hajime, Akaashi Keiji/Iwaizumi Hajime
Kudos: 17





	you stand here alive

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from [one ok rock - answer is clear (orchestra ver)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zca7Z3sNTcQ), which also inspired this fic (and which I finally finished after months of sitting in my drafts!!)

Akaashi awakens, eyes fluttering open to the sound of the leaves rustling.  
Instinctively he thinks back  
And remembers  
That night.

The night Iwaizumi was riding his bike. The detectives said he’d swerved hard, crashed right into the fence. Something had spooked him. Or possibly to avoid hitting an animal. It was unfortunate, the detectives had said. His helmet fell off and he had collided with the tree head first. Even if he’d been brought to the hospital right away…, they trailed off.  
_It was unlikely he would have made it._  
We’re sorry for your loss, they repeated one last time before leaving.

He closes his eyes and tries to drown out the world. The chattering of the cicadas deafened him.

i.

Looks like he’s stuck here.  
He swings from one branch to the next, marvelling at how light he feels.  
Wondering how far he could stray, his impulsive side takes over. He climbs off the branch, with only his arms supporting his entire body weight. He swings a little in the wind then slowly lets his right hand go. His fingers still resting on the branch twitch, and he recklessly wants to let go, see what would happen, but that tiny fear - of being human, of being mortal - still lingers and he hoists himself back up. He’d almost allowed himself to get swept up in something stupid like that rash Oikawa. 

He wondered how Trashykawa’s doing. Had he left himself hostage to his emotions once again? 

ii.

He hadn’t really been surprised that no one he knew had passed by. Why would they want to come to the place where their son, their senpai, their teammate, their friend, had died. He had kind of been expecting Oikawa at least to turn up though - for who else would believe in local urban legends (which unexpectedly turn out to be true) about spirits lingering at the place of their death for a week. But Shittykawa was probably too afraid of ghosts, even that of his best friend, to pay him a visit it seems.

So maybe he was sulking a little - it was boring being stuck here alone after all.  
Then a distant figure with lithe limbs and short black hair came into view.  
Akaashi, he realised belatedly.

He gazed up at the oak tree, looking so hard and for so long that Iwaizumi for a moment thought that they had made eye contact, that he could see him. But he turns away abruptly and slumps into the grass, leaning against the rough bark of the tree. And he starts talking.

About how Oikawa refused to leave his house.  
(At least he's leaving his room, Iwaizumi mused.)  
Kuroo was regularly checking up on him though.  
As was the rest of Seijoh - they were together in their grief.  
He himself had Bokuto popping by for a visit every now and then. Though mostly they sat in silence, with few words exchanged.  
The Karasuno members had gone out of their way to send a care package to his family.  
“They really appreciated that,” Akaashi added, almost quietly as an afterthought. As if he hoped Iwaizumi was listening.

And he continued talking and talking, with that ever so seemingly serene expression, his face a stone sculpture not betraying his true emotions. Iwaizumi listened as the hours sped by, entangled in the branches, the closest he’d ever get to Akaashi again.  
The sun fell all too soon, and Akaashi left without a glance back.

iv.

Iwaizumi had thought that was the last time he’d see Akaashi - or anyone he knew really, since it seemed like no one else was going to visit - but he was mistaken, as he saw him walking up the road towards the oak tree.  
Much like before, he sat, and he talked. He spoke on and on as if he had to use all the words in the world, like his jaw didn’t ache, like his throat wasn’t parched, like he’d never run out of things to say.  
_Like he’d never be able to say what he wanted to ever again._  
And Iwaizumi’s heart broke (or would have broken, if he was still of this world - a tiny voice within him reasoned) as the gravity of his reality finally sank in. No one would ever hear what he has to say. They were never going to see him again. He didn’t even get to say goodbye to anyone.

Iwaizumi perched there, amongst the treetops uselessly as Akaashi stood up to leave once again. But this time, he turned back, leaning into the tree trunk in a tender almost-embrace. His face hidden behind his hand now resting on the bark.  
I don’t want to live, he whispers,  
and the breeze of wind brushes past the leaves, the bluebirds, the former number 4.

Frozen in shock, his lips part, but the words don’t tumble out. 

vii.

Akaashi walks up, surprised to see a bicycle leaning against the fence. Already someone was here, though the sun was barely just peeking out of the horizon. The tall, brown-haired man turns around and a look of recognition crosses his face.

“Oh, you must be Akaashi. I don’t suppose we’ve formally met, but I’m Ushijima Wakatoshi, from Shiratorizawa.”  
“Ah yes I’ve heard of you…” he trails off.  
“I didn’t know what kind of flowers Iwaizumi likes, and it’s probably a bad time to ask Oikawa so I hope that’s fine,” he said, gesturing to the bottom of the tree.  
Akaashi merely nods his head in reply, slightly too bewildered to say any more.

The silence lingers. 

At last, Ushijima seemed to hesitate for just the slightest of seconds before patting Akaashi’s shoulder. ‘‘The pain must be unbearable. But you will survive.” 

And he rides off on his bicycle, his disappearance as sudden and random as his visit.

Only then does Akaashi cross the remaining distance to the tree to examine the flower. A zinnia, he noticed, smiling bitterly as his fingers twirled the pink petals.

As if a key had been inserted into his heart, suddenly everything kept sealed within him rushed forth to the surface, even as he tried to keep his eyes dry.  
I don’t see why I have to keep going.  
Why am I even here anyway?  
What use is all of this.  
_Give me a reason to not give up, he choked out in desperation._

*

*

*

Akaashi feels a soft, light embrace around him - he could swear it was comforting like the way Iwaizumi always hugged him.

His ear tickled.  
And he hears it in the whisper of the wind, the murmur of the leaves -  
“Because you still stand here, alive.”

And really, that’s all the reason you need.

Perhaps it was his own delusion. And yet his shoulders trembled, and the waves hiding beneath his eyelids all this while crashed onto his cheeks.

**Author's Note:**

> [meanings of zinnia](https://flowermeanings.org/zinnia-flower-meaning/)


End file.
